Swipe from Kam Moye’s Journal at HipHopGame.com

Nowadays, the line between artists and fans are completely blurred. Fans and listeners now have a platform to voice their complaints and make as many demands directly to the artists. Sometimes it’s a great idea but it also leaves room for some serious WTF moments. Imagine if you could’ve emailed Rakim back in the day and told him personally that ‘Chinese Arithmetic’ was the worst song on Paid In Full? Just imagine the emails that Big Daddy Kane would’ve received when ‘Prince of Darkness’ dropped. With that in mind, I decided to make a list of the 10 Things to Never Say to an Indie Artist. These are responses that your favorite indie artists wants to tell you but probably doesn’t. This list was written from a sarcastic, humorous standpoint so PLEASE don’t take offense. I know how sensitive and defensive people get about these type of things. There’s just as much truth as there is humor in this list though.

1. How are the album sales so far?
We’re INDIE! If the sales were worth raving about then we’d be sitting in Jimmy Iovine’s office right now. Asking an indie artist how his/her album is selling is like asking someone with bad credit how much they are paying for their monthly car note. No matter how you answer it, it still sounds horrible to the average person.

2. I’m a big fan of your music. We need to do a collabo…
*pump the brakes* This is a very confusing moment for an artist because you have officially crossed into that Grey area between fan and businessman. Let me just break it down for you in Layman’s terms. I am probably one of the biggest DJ Premier fans on the planet. Do you honestly think that because I bought every Gangstarr album that Primo will be that more interested in working with me? Trust me, if that method was effective then I’d be CCing Alchemist, Pete Rock, and Just Blaze the exact same message right now telling them how much I love their production. You can not be a fan and artist all in the SAME conversation. And for the record, you don’t get discounts just because you’re a fan. I have eaten at this one restaurant almost every week for the past 5 years and they have never once given me a discount on my bill….ever!

3. I like your new stuff but your first album is still your best work…
That’s a backhanded compliment for someone who has multiple albums. Imagine your girlfriend telling you that you’re good… just not as good as the first guy she slept with. Kind of stings the ego a lil’ doesn’t it?

4. Why don’t you ever do shows here?
Indie artists don’t pick where we choose to do shows. Hell If the money is right, we will perform in front of pack of hungry lions in the Sahara Desert. Don’t get angry at the artist when your city is left out of the tour schedule. If an artist doesn’t come to your city then your local promoters are responsible. If there is no demand for an artist in your city then you can forget about it. Showing up to perform for you and all 5 of your homies sounds like a good idea but does not warrant a show in your city. That’s a loss that nobody is trying to take. How about you and all of the fans in the area put your money together and book the artist yourself? You’d probably do a better job then some promoters.

5. Do you want to come to the car/studio and listen to my beats/production?
NO….we don’t. This is just a confidence booster used by people who need it. To see your favorite rapper nodding his head to your music might be a dream of yours but it’s surely not one of his. DO NOT believe half of what people tell you when you meet them in person. Sometimes we say what you like to hear just to end the conversation quicker. This trick was invented and mastered by women who will take your number with no intentions on ever calling you. Give us a beat CD and keep it moving (make sure you put tags on them). Please do not send constant emails/messages/tweets asking if they have listened to your beats or not. I don’t know of one artist who will like your beats and not contact you…well then again, unless they are going to ante up the beat for themselves. No pun intended.

6. So what REALLY happened between you and _____?
Asking about someone’s personal differences or beefs is just in bad taste especially when you don’t have anything to do with it. Just because there aren’t thousands of people reading it on the Internet doesn’t mean that it’s going to be kept confidential. Fans will go home and post everything you tell them on a message board or blog. Cyber-snitching is reaching its peak! Contrary to popular belief, everything shouldn’t be aired out publicly via CL Smooth-style. I know the Perez Hilton in you wants to know the real story but kill that TMZ shit, homie!

7. Your album was the album of the year next to _________.
Well go and swing your poms poms in front of that glorious dude! Nobody likes to be second best. The proper response from an artist should be…”You were almost the fan of the year… but the guy before you actually bought something before he talked my head off for 15 minutes”.

8. What was it like working with _________?
It’s 2009 and the chances of artists actually being in the studio together is very rare. I get asked what it was like working with KRS One or Stoupe all the time. It was wonderful….I recorded it at my studio, uploaded the files via Megaupload, and they downloaded them. I waited months (sometimes years) to hear the final version and then I bought a copy just like everyone else. Yep, it’s definitely something to tell the kids about…..

9. Why do they always play bullshit like ______ on the radio?
There’s no golden answer other than the simple fact that a lot of people like to buy that ‘bullshit’. (Insert Hated Rapper here) fans don’t sit around analyzing every kick and snare or expect every album to be a hip hop classic before they buy it. There’s no measuring stick used to see if an album is too long, too short, or the next Illmatic. To some people, music is….just music. Plus, this is a business. The local pizza parlor is 10 times better than Domino’s but Domino’s still remains more popular (even though it’s god awful). The commercials on the radio are what pays the bills so the music on the radio is just an interlude in between the next commercial. If given enough money and advertising dollars, a radio station would play a song about having wild sex on your birthday. Oh wait….. *LOL smiley face*

10. Track # ____ on your CD is AMAZING!
So amazing that you never even bothered to look at the credits and learn the name of that ONE song that you love so much? We don’t recognize songs by track #’s or descriptions. “You know, the song about getting old…”. Imagine if we just got lazy and started naming our projects, Album #1 and Album #2. Oh yeah, Album #3 is in stores now BTW!!!

11. You should have _____ on your next album..
1) Whose to say that the artist you’re recommending even likes our music or vice versa. 2) These things cost money and believe it or not, nobody successful truly does it ‘for the love’. 3) It’s your taste and opinion but it’s not YOUR album. You can tell McDonald’s to add extra pickles to your sandwich but do you really think they are going to change it permanently just because you like it? Not a chance. Sometimes music works the same way.

12. Could you please upload the ________ song to your Myspace/Reverb Nation/etc…? It’s my favorite song.

Listen here, buddy. It’s good to know that it’s your favorite song but we are not your personal Hibachi chefs! We do not do whatever you like, whenever you like. We do not function at the push of a button or at the request of everyone. Life just doesn’t work that way. This is the false hope/friendship that social networks have built up between artists and fans (I’ll speak on that on my next blog). And secondly, do you really think that someone will go through the trouble of uploading a song on a website just for ONE person… other than themselves???? Here’s an option, play the CD or iTunes player while you’re on the Internet. It has the same effect *ba dum TSSSSSH*

-KM